I wanted to post something about who I think I am in my mind (and want to be) vs. who I've actually become. Sometimes I talk to people about the things I like; ice hockey, backpacking, hiking, rock climbing, triathlons; and I feel like such a poser because if you look at me it seems perfectly obvious that I can't actually do any of those things in my current condition. A while back I inquired about a backpacking trip run by a group called Wild Women Workshops in CA. (Check them out at: http://www.wildwomenworkshops.org/.) A little over a month ago they got back to me with at trip they were trying to run at the beginning of Nov. for women over 40 (yikes, I qualify!) if they could get enough participation. I was SERIOUSLY considering going on this trip. At some point I realized that the timing was horrible for me to be able to keep up an exercise routine every night so that I would have a chance of being about to manage it, and even if I could, I probably would not have been in good enough shape to carry a backpack, let alone do it up a steep switchback trail. But the point is, I WANT to be able to do these things! I want to be able to say to someone on a moment's notice, yes I'll go hiking, yes I'll play hockey, yes, yes yes! And I want to be a person who, maybe is not the best at that sport, but is certainly in good enough shape to not struggle and hold my own. In my mind, I imagine that I'm this person. In my mind I imagine I could even wear the appropriate clothing for these activities and not look like a pork sausage! But I'm not this person, and it's depressing. I'm a mother who's too tired every night to get any exercise, not a morning person (so don't even suggest morning exercise,) and the kids never let me get any exercise during the day. The kids snack, so I snack. I love watching TV at night to turn off my brain. And the sad thing is, I KNOW that if I can stick with the exercise routine long enough, I will eventually begin to crave it -- eventually it won't just be painful, but it will give me energy and make me feel more like the person I want to be and I will want more of that. And feeling more like that healthy person will make me crave better foods and less junk. I was watching video of Sierra's birthday party yesterday of me helping her open presents. Yuck! In my mind I just don't look like what I really look like....
Thanks for listening.
3 comments:
I'm actually glad to hear you say this, Jill, because I feel like this also. It is often a shock to look in a mirror, and pictures are worse, because that's not what I look like - in my head.
I don't know what the answer is, either. Obviously, I don't do any better than you do at exercise, and my kids are away at school all day. I guess I have to believe I'll get it together at some point, and more importantly, I have to keep trying to get it together - I have to remind myself there's no "perfect" time to start exercising, or eat right, or whatever. And I have to stop waiting until after "x" time to start. I have to keep trying to start now.
I think you said it all Ann, the times when I am most successful is when I tell myself to stop waiting and start doing. I've been looking in the mirror lately at my body, at my hair that's turning more and more grey and asking myself "what happened?" It helps that I'm still an optomist, but it doesn't change those moments.
I do think it's important to accept ourselves for who we are before we begin to change. Maybe that's the therapist in me (mental health therapist), but I find most of the people I know aren't able to change things till they accept who they are in the process. That being said, I still haven't worked on losing the weight I keep talking about. Easier said then done.
oh Jilly Willy.
I still see the Jill in your head. Maybe it's because I'm on the other side of the continent, but I believe it's the real you.
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